Desperation

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Desperate does not even come close to how I feel right now. I never knew what real pain felt like til I experienced infertility. I have never liked that word infertility. In fact I have come to loathe it and all the pain and anguish it has brought my husband and I. A nasty side affect of infertility is pity. People seriously pity you because they don’t know what to say. We don’t want pity, just a caring listening ear. I would do anything or try any treatment if I thought it would help me conceive. I have tried giving up pop, exercising, bought books, tried teas and vitamins, tried yoga, seen a counselor, taken fertility meds and even had artificial insemenation. The only thing I haven’t tried is IVF. It’s so hard watching people get this thing my husband and I have have worked so hard for, for so long and especially when it comes so easily and quickly for others. Or they weren’t even “trying.” Something else I have come to realize is the impact social media has on those struggling with infertility. People keep saying “comparison is the thief of joy.” I never knew how true that was until I started trying to conceive.  All over Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest you see an endless stream of baby and maternity photos. My newsfeed was just filled with ‘gender reveal parties’ and pregnancy announcements. I’ve had to unsubscribe from too many friends to count. I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t bear seeing all the Facebook bragging about how seemingly perfect people’s lives are. I know on Facebook you present your best self but I think if we really considered what we posted could be hurting someone we might rethink the way and manner we phrase things. I always pictured having a family. I never considered that it might not happen. And now, having been faced with the possibility of never being a that parent has really opened my eyes to being more sensitive with things like posting about the purchase of a new vehicle, a job promotion or having a baby. I would NEVER wish this pain on my worst enemy! I know most people are unaware that what they say and post on fb could be fostering anger and jealousy in another person. But now that I’m in the thick of it, I know to be more sensitive. And if the day ever comes that I get to be a parent I know so many things I will not do or say or post on Facebook. I’ve been posting and reading a lot of inspirational quotes and phrases lately when I need a brief distraction from my constant state of depression. So I will close with this one. image

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10 Roadblocks to Happiness

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Tim Hoch

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  1. You ascribe intent. 

Another driver cut you off. Your friend never texted you back. Your co-worker went to lunch without you. Everyone can find a reason to be offended on a steady basis. So what caused you to be offended? You assigned bad intent to these otherwise innocuous actions. You took it as a personal affront, a slap in the face. 

Happy people do not do this. They don’t take things personally. They don’t ascribe intent to the unintentional actions of others. 

  1. You’re the star of your own movie

It is little wonder that you believe the world revolves around you. After all, you have been at the very center of every experience you have ever had. 

You are the star of your own movie. You wrote the script. You know how you want it to unfold. You even know how you want it to end. 

Unfortunately you…

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Vintage Love Birds necklace

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Vintage Love Birds necklace

This is the necklace I wanna win!!!

The Vintage Pearl is having an awesome fall contest to win an Ice Blue Mixer and the necklace of your  choice! I have been wanting this necklace forever! I asked for my husband to get it for me for Christmas but it would be wonderful to win it!!! The mixer would match our kitchen perfectly. Its so pretty!!! Please pick me Vintage Pearl! I love your store and wish I could afford to buy every necklace you sell!  :0)

http://www.thevintagepearl.com/blog/2012/10/big-fun-fall-giveaway/

My wishlight furniture!

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I have a huge obsession with vintage furniture, esp the kind I can’t afford. (of course) Well I have this pipedream that one day my whole house will be filled with every piece of the blonde Heywood wakefield collection. Maybe you are wondering what said furniture looks like so I will get your mind moving by reminding everyone of the movie, “Corrina, Corrina” (one of my favorite movies). In this movie almost the entire set of the house Molly lives in is filled with Heywood wakefield furniture. This has been one of my favorite movies since I was younger, which spawned my love for this furniture.

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Here are some pics of my favorite pieces:

Bed:

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Dresser:

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China hutch:

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Dining room table:

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End table:

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I am hoping to slowly aquire said pieces in my life if I come across a chance deal, but for now I must dream…

//first blog jitters//

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I have been putting off writing my first blog because I feel like I won’t have anything of substance to talk about, but I’m gonna give it a shot. I guess what I will talk about for this first blog is how incredibly blessed I am and how I take things for granted.

I want to dedicate this post to everyone in my life that makes it worth living. I seriously have the best best people in my life. It’s crazy! Caleb and I were having a convo today about how someone commented that we had a huge wedding party and this was his reply, “I’m not going to appologize to anyone for having a lot of amazing friends.” That is so true.

I feel like a lot of times when I’m feeling down I take for granted all the things that God has given me. When I start to think of everyone in my life that mean the world to me, I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving. Where would I be without my family, my amazing mother and father who have been there for me and have been an amazing example of how I should live my life. My momma is the most amazing woman I have ever known, I know I’m biased but I’m also serious 🙂 My mom is the kind of woman I strive to be. I hope to one day be half of the mother that she has been to me. I am today because of her love. My dad is the quiet pillar in our home. He always prays for us and sends us notes of encouragement. He is never at a loss for telling me and my sibs how proud he is of us. Every morning when we were little he would get us up early for a family scripture reading. And we wouldn’t just read it, we’d discuss it, find out what it means and how to apply it to our lives. That made a mark on me. I’m so greatful for everything that my parents have sacrificed and done for us. I love my parents so much.

Then I think about my wonderful sister and brother…I love them so much and feel so honored to be their big sister. I feel like I have learned so much from them and continue to learn from them all the time. As we have gotten older, we are no longer just siblings….we are friends. My sister is my best friend and I love her so much. She is an amazing mother and I look up to her for that. My brother is quiet but he’s funny and is very caring. I think his caring spirit most comes out when he is around Lola, but she brings out the best in everyone 🙂

Next I think about my amazing amazing grandparents, most have went to be with the Lord and whom I miss dearly. They were so supportive and I looked to them for wisdom and unconditional love. My grandma Audrey  has always been a loving set of arms to me and my family. She has a list a mile long of people that she has prayed for every day since I can remember. And if you needed prayer and she knew about it she’d add you to her list. I want to be like that.

Next I have to mention all my loving aunts, uncles and cousins. I love you all. We asked one of my cousins to get ordained and marry Caleb & I. He did an amazing job. There could have been no one else for the job.

Next I have to mention all of my wonderful friends. I have made so many friends during my life. I am pleased to say I am still friends with my childhood friends. My 2 best friends from birth and still in my life. I then made amazing friendships in college and those wonderful girls are still here with me when I need them. Then when I moved to Tulsa I made and continue to make wonderful friendships. I would be a complete mess without these girls. They help make me what I am! Shout out to Joy & Britt since I know they might be reading this. I love you both dearly!

Last but definitely not least is my amazingly supportive and handsome new husband!!! I am so in love with this man its crazy! To quote Damien Rice, “I can’t believe what I’ve found…” He is my better half, as cliche as that sounds. I can’t believe that I found someone who truly loves and accepts me the way that I am. I trust him with my heart and will love him until the day that I die. He amazes me.

I want to end this with a quote i heard the other day.

“Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It’s a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave.”

~Warren Barfield