Desperation

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Desperate does not even come close to how I feel right now. I never knew what real pain felt like til I experienced infertility. I have never liked that word infertility. In fact I have come to loathe it and all the pain and anguish it has brought my husband and I. A nasty side affect of infertility is pity. People seriously pity you because they don’t know what to say. We don’t want pity, just a caring listening ear. I would do anything or try any treatment if I thought it would help me conceive. I have tried giving up pop, exercising, bought books, tried teas and vitamins, tried yoga, seen a counselor, taken fertility meds and even had artificial insemenation. The only thing I haven’t tried is IVF. It’s so hard watching people get this thing my husband and I have have worked so hard for, for so long and especially when it comes so easily and quickly for others. Or they weren’t even “trying.” Something else I have come to realize is the impact social media has on those struggling with infertility. People keep saying “comparison is the thief of joy.” I never knew how true that was until I started trying to conceive. ¬†All over Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest you see an endless stream of baby and maternity photos. My newsfeed was just filled with ‘gender reveal parties’ and pregnancy announcements. I’ve had to unsubscribe from too many friends to count. I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t bear seeing all the Facebook bragging about how seemingly perfect people’s lives are. I know on Facebook you present your best self but I think if we really considered what we posted could be hurting someone we might rethink the way and manner we phrase things. I always pictured having a family. I never considered that it might not happen. And now, having been faced with the possibility of never being a that parent has really opened my eyes to being more sensitive with things like posting about the purchase of a new vehicle, a job promotion or having a baby. I would NEVER wish this pain on my worst enemy! I know most people are unaware that what they say and post on fb could be fostering anger and jealousy in another person. But now that I’m in the thick of it, I know to be more sensitive. And if the day ever comes that I get to be a parent I know so many things I will not do or say or post on Facebook. I’ve been posting and reading a lot of inspirational quotes and phrases lately when I need a brief distraction from my constant state of depression. So I will close with this one. image

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