Desperation

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Desperate does not even come close to how I feel right now. I never knew what real pain felt like til I experienced infertility. I have never liked that word infertility. In fact I have come to loathe it and all the pain and anguish it has brought my husband and I. A nasty side affect of infertility is pity. People seriously pity you because they don’t know what to say. We don’t want pity, just a caring listening ear. I would do anything or try any treatment if I thought it would help me conceive. I have tried giving up pop, exercising, bought books, tried teas and vitamins, tried yoga, seen a counselor, taken fertility meds and even had artificial insemenation. The only thing I haven’t tried is IVF. It’s so hard watching people get this thing my husband and I have have worked so hard for, for so long and especially when it comes so easily and quickly for others. Or they weren’t even “trying.” Something else I have come to realize is the impact social media has on those struggling with infertility. People keep saying “comparison is the thief of joy.” I never knew how true that was until I started trying to conceive.  All over Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest you see an endless stream of baby and maternity photos. My newsfeed was just filled with ‘gender reveal parties’ and pregnancy announcements. I’ve had to unsubscribe from too many friends to count. I don’t want to sound selfish but I can’t bear seeing all the Facebook bragging about how seemingly perfect people’s lives are. I know on Facebook you present your best self but I think if we really considered what we posted could be hurting someone we might rethink the way and manner we phrase things. I always pictured having a family. I never considered that it might not happen. And now, having been faced with the possibility of never being a that parent has really opened my eyes to being more sensitive with things like posting about the purchase of a new vehicle, a job promotion or having a baby. I would NEVER wish this pain on my worst enemy! I know most people are unaware that what they say and post on fb could be fostering anger and jealousy in another person. But now that I’m in the thick of it, I know to be more sensitive. And if the day ever comes that I get to be a parent I know so many things I will not do or say or post on Facebook. I’ve been posting and reading a lot of inspirational quotes and phrases lately when I need a brief distraction from my constant state of depression. So I will close with this one. image

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7 thoughts on “Desperation

  1. megshine7

    I wish I could wrap you in my arms and give you the biggest hug. My heart hurts for you. I love you and hope you find some peace in the interim and that your heart’s desire will be granted soon. I love you do much, Mel!

  2. megshine7

    I just want to wrap you in my arms and give you the biggest hug. My heart hurts for you. I pray you find some peace in the interim and that your heart’s desire will be answered soon. I love you so much, Mel!

    • Thanks girl. That means a lot ❤ I have had some pretty dark days. And a lot of ups and downs. Some days are much worse than others. Just trying to stay positive. It's hard because I have to accept the fact that it might not happen and be able to go on with life if that's the case. I feel like everything's on hold for this bc my heart can't think of anything else. Thanks for the kind words and prayers. Love you.

  3. Mandy Seitz

    Mel I love you dearly and I cannot fathom the pain you have endured but I know the strength you have and the strength God will continue to give you, please continue to blog, I know several women who could be encouraged by your journey!

  4. bekahphelps

    Hi Melissa! Sorry I’m just now getting back to you. I just want to say that I TOTALLY get 100% every emotion and feeling you have, and shared in your post. Life can be so cruel, can’t it? For me every day is different. Some days I want to jump off a cliff (literally) and other days I’m honestly happy for my friends and family. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through as well! I’ll add you guys to my prayer list. ❤
    Bekah

  5. Among joy like you mentioned, it’s insane how infertility robs you of so many other things as well. I feel like it’s stole so much of my time and energy as well as a very intimate part of what should be between only my husband and I. With all that we go through in dealing with infertility, it really tests us and tears us apart in so many different ways. As much as I don’t wish this card among anyone, including myself. I’m slowly starting to come to terms with the reality of my situation and I am finding my inner strength. There is so much infertility has taught me-including to count my blessings and not take so many things for granted. For these lessons I have learned and for the person it has changed me to be, I can be grateful for my struggle. Wishing you strength to overcome your journey ahead and most importantly be kind to yourself.

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